I Don't Ever Want to See You Again, My Friend

Since I'm getting buzzed whilst making cupcakes right now, I'll hate on something alcohol related.

Hate: Sink pukers.  Really? In the sink?  If you're near a sink, I'm going to go ahead and say you are probably close enough to a bathroom to puke in the fucking toilet.  I understand that there are people too drunk to get to the bathroom...whatever, it happens.  The sink is what kills me.  There is hardly a worse place.  Yes, you are correct, there is a drain in the sink...but it is SIGNIFICANTLY smaller than the toilet.  It is not a good choice.  Ok, you can't think of, or get to, a toilet even though you're near a sink, maybe someone is already puking in the only available toilet, how about...OUTSIDE, ANYWHERE?!?!  Or a bag of sorts that can be quickly brought outside!!  Fucking amateurs.  Unless the next morning you want to be the one picking big chunks out of the sink, you better not do that extra shot.  Actually not even, if you are so dumb that even while drunk you can't decide that it is a bad idea to vomit in someone's sink, you need to not be drinking.  So, if you are a sink puker, first of all, you are too stupid to be drinking.  Second, you need to attempt to not do this lest I murder you at the next hootenanny.

Love: That time when I said, "What the hell?"  to Meredith.  I was saying it about a gigantic Asian tour group that randomly waltzed into the store in Vancouver.  Meredith however, thought I was being a pissy bitch about her brushing her purse against me.  She was upset and offended for a minute there.  It was amazing when we realized what had just happened.  Now whenever I say "what the hell" it is hysterical.  I realize not funny for you, but it is for me goddamnit, and for Meredith too if she ever reads this.  Love you schnookems.

:)
theGrump

Tengo Miedo de Noche

Hate: Canada.  I never really had any qualms with Canada until pretty recently, but since these events I've moved from indifference to hatred.  I hated in Europe when Canadian travelers would put a canadian flag on everything they owned, because god forbid someone mistook them for an American.  Who cares that much?  If it really matters to someone, just tell them you're Canadian, you don't have to parade it around.  And anyway, people all say they hate America/Americans (although I don't know why, it't not like we're stuck up douches who patch the American flag all over all our crap) but in reality, most of them are full of shit.  OK everyone, you guys didn't like Bush.  Get the fuck over it.  Lots of us didn't like him either.  Move on.  What may have been worse than the Canadians with the flags and pins and tattoos and whatever all over the place, were the Americans who did that so they could pretend they were Canadian.  Have some freaking self respect.  That annoyed me about Canada, but I would not have gone so far as to say I hated them yet.  This all changed when my brother and I had to take an impromptu trip up to Toronto.  He had a DUI at the the time, so I was driving.  We get to the Canadian boarder...and they wouldn't let us in.  They said he was banned FOR 10 YEARS.  What.  The.  Fuck.  Who do you think you are, Canada??  That is preposterous and that's pretty much all I can say about it.  Look where it has landed you?  My hate blog.

Love: Hats.  I am a hat person.  They make me happy.  Also, when I haven't showered in a while, they are the best thing in the world.  If I'm ever wearing a baseball cap, I am probably soo greasy under there. But no one would ever know thanks to my trusty hat.  Well now some of you know.  But most people.

Love,
theGrump

I've Forgotten What it's Like to Feel Normal

Hate:  The mom's voice in The Incredibles.  It is awful.  AWFUL.  What were they thinking??  What is SHE thinking???  I mean really, giving a VOICE ACTING JOB to that woman??  COULD THEY HEAR HER!?!?!??!!  I don't think I've ever heard a worse voice.  Ever.  I mean I assume you have seen The Incredibles, it's a fabulous movie, but she reeeeeallyyy brings it down.  I can't even explain how ridiculous it is you'd just have to hear her, I'll try though.  ACTUALLY!!!  I got it.  She makes everything she says sound like she has a lot of spit in her mouth.  I have discovered the basis of my hate.  She makes everything ever sound like she has lots of spit in her mouth.  I hate spit.  HATE, but I would be truly be glad if she spit, just so I could watch the rest of the movie without throwing up in my mouth repeatedly.  So, keeping in mind that I literally want to throw up every time I hear her, let me say that she was actually hired for another job.  She was hired for a milk commercial I think.  All I have to say to you is that milk grosses me out.  Her voice combined with milk to TOO MUCH!  Vomit.  Everywhere.  In conclusion, I hate the human race for, one, inventing her voice and two for producing at least two humans who want this voice to be an important part of their careers.

Love:  After dinner mints.  They make every dinner awesome.  It's weird because I kind of hate them because I just want to keep tasting the dinner and they kind of erase it, but I just love them.  It's an automatic 2 points on your restaurant review if you give me a mint.

WUV,

theGrump

It's Me and the Moon She Said

I'm freezing my buns off right now, so I've decided to hate on something warm weather related.

Hate: Above ground pools.  They are the worst.  First of all, they look absolutely horrific in your yard.  It is impossible to make a yard with an above ground pool look halfway decent.  You have officially turned your entire neighborhood into a trailer park.  And no one is happy about it.   What unclassy retard spends 1000 bucks, or whatever an above ground pool costs hopefully it is not more than $1000, to decrease their houses property value (because that grass under there is never growing back...assuming there is grass in your backyard, it may just be dirt covered with hay, I mean...you have an above ground pool) and make everyone who ever sees your house think you're a total douchebag?  Secondly, above ground pools are just not fun.  No self respecting child wants to play in an above ground pool.  They aren't deep enough or long enough to do anything cool in.  You can't do a proper jump, you can't throw stuff into the deep end to retrieve (because there is no deep end...womp womp), you can't race or see if you can hold your breath for the length of the pool.  I mean I can go on and on with awesome things you can't do, what can you do in an above ground pool?  Lounge.  LAME!  You can lounge anywhere, and anywhere else you wouldn't look like such a hick.  It is not worth the money you threw away on it just to be a glorified outdoor waterbed slash eyesore.

Whew, that got a little mean...oh well, this is my hate blog.

Love: Mustache stickers.  They are fabulous because everything looks more hilarious when it has a mustache.  I enjoy giving random household objects mustaches because then every time you catch a glimpse of the stache, it will make your day a little brighter because the mustache automatically makes everything look like it has an opinion.  Also, mustache stickers give rise to the greatest game of all time, and here is how you play: first stick the mustache onto the television screen, second play a movie, third drink every time it looks like someone is wearing the mustache.

<3,
theGrump

Put Your Left Foot In

Too much wine last night.

Hate: Cantaloupe and honeydew melon.  They are the worst fruits ever.  Let alone melons.  Hello, why would you choose those when watermelons exist?  For the record, it is not a fruit salad when it is 90% cantaloupe and honeydew with a few grapes tossed in there.  It is hell.

Love: Meaty and Beefy, Rob Dyrdek's dogs, and Daddy and Junior, Cesar Milan's favorite dogs.  Some of the best dogs ever, I mean not including the Dixie.  Also, congrats to Rob Dyrdek for giving his dogs such awesome names, and Cesar, you are my hero, and so is Daddy.  The cutest.

<3,
theGrump

We've Done Nothing Wrong

I am so not grumpy today, I mean I just saw The Deathly Hallows part 1 at midnight, how can I be?  But I'll go ahead and try this anyway.  Oh actually I have a good one that relates to life right now.

Hate: Going to see movies the first night they come out.  I realize I just saw the first showing of Harry Potter, but that's different and I'll tell you why in a bit.  Anyway, seeing movies the first night they come out.  Not cool.  The theater is always packed, meaning no matter what kind of movie you are attempting to see there will for sure be at least one group of big disrespectful d bags who will ruin the movie going experience for everyone.  And I did not just spend 10 bucks to go see a fucking movie only to be pissed off by a bunch of little shitheads that probably thought it would be HILARIOUS to robo-trip before going to see this movie.  God I hate kids (everyone).  I once tripped a kid for repeatedly running up and down the aisle during some movie...I'm pretty sure it was Blue Crush in middle school...  It isn't just these kids that are ruining the movie either, almost everyone there will be whispering, munching their popcorn, having to go to the bathroom, putting their feet up on my chair, breathing heavily and whatever else people could possibly do to annoy me.  I do it too, I like to comment to my friends while watching.  But when there are that many people doing it, it is not ok.  Also, in general I don't enjoy being surrounded by that many people.  As we know, I like very few people, and when a bunch of strangers are around me and smelly and annoying me while I'm trying to watch a movie, I am not happy and it just increases my hatred of everyone.  Just wait until the hype dies down a bit and you can see your movie in peace.  The theater will be less crowded, you can put your feet up, you can whisper to your friends without bothering anyone, and you won't leave the theater wanting to stab some tween and feeling like you're going to hell.   Now, the Harry Potter movies...tooottttalllyyyy different.  People in there are nerds.  They have been waiting MONTHS AND MONTHS to see this movie.  They had to buy their tickets the second they went on sale, and got to the theater hours early to get a good seat.  The second that little Harry Potter jingle in the beginning ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCNHVMIYqiA&feature=related ) starts to play, that theater is silent.  No talking, bathroom, eating, breathing.  Only laughing, gasping and crying, at the appropriate times.  And that is why it is acceptable that I saw the midnight showing of Harry Potter.  Maybe not on a socially competent level, but on a justifying doing something that I hate level.

Love: TV reenactments.  My god they are the greatest part of any show.  All I can think about is how hilarious it would be to be one of those people.  And one of my favorite things in the world is seeing a pre-celebrity celebrity in a reenactment.  It may be even funnier when the person who is telling the story is the person in the reenactment.  Some of my favorite reenactment-full shows are A Haunting, I Shouldn't be Alive, Locked Up Abroad, must I go on?  If you have not seen any of these shows, you are leading a sad, sad life.  I'm telling you.  They are the greatest.  You will thank me.

LOVEEEEEEEEEE,
theGrump

You're Crazy Beautiful

Hate: When the bottom of my foot itches.  It is the WORST feeling in the entire universe.  It's impossible to scratch, and when you try it's crazy ticklish yet also painful.  What is that about??  It is literally the itch you can't scratch.  I get legitimately angry when this happens to me.  This is not a drill.  Do not approach me until after I have found a way to scratch my fucking foot.

Love: I can't think about love.  MY FOOT ITCHES GODDAMNIT!!

-grumpmeister.

99 Problems

Hate: Germaphobes.  One, because those people are so annoying and useless, and two because being such a germaphobe is a health hazard.  I'm a generally clean person, but people take it too far, sterilizing things like they're in a hospital, not letting kids develop an immune system.  Get dirty, stop lysol-ing everything in sight you freaks.  This next generation of kids is going to be wiped the fuck out by some dumb bacteria they can't fight off because their immune systems suck.  Way to go, parents.  I'm very distracted right now and am having a hard time hating on germaphobes to the extent that they need.  All I need to say is it is not necessary and is going to be worse in the long run.  A little dirt is good for you.  Don't eat poop and you'll be fine.  Just fucking relax.

Love: The movie Elf.  I know a lot of people hate Will Ferrel, but Elf is amazing.  So many amazing quotes, some of my favorites being: Good news, I saw a dog today.  I PAINTED A PICTURE OF A BUTTERFLY.  (Buddy gets hit by cab).  CONGRATULATIONS!  Bye Buddy, hope you find your dad.  There, there.  I love you, I love you, I LOOVE YOUUUU.  As a rule to live by, Elf is watched repeatedly after Halloween until (and a little after) Christmas.  Then at some point in the summer it must be watched just because it's been too long, and everyone loves Elf.

Peace,

theGrump 

I'm Not One for Second Chances

Hate: Glee.  I mean, it's really truly awful.  This season more than last, but for entirely different reasons.  The first season you would watch and be like oh my god this acting is terrible, this drama is ridiculous, I hate every single character and the storyline is more predictable than a Disney movie, but I like the songs and I don't give a shit because I'm smiling.  Season two had really challenged my love for the show.  It's got all the same pros and cons of season one, but now it's getting all Fox political and religious and I feel like it has some serious anti-gay undertones.  I really do not appreciate it, Glee.  Not only that, but with every episode I feel a little more like the writers of glee have never attended public school and have almost certainly never met a gay person in their lives.  The thing I hate most is that even though I get more and more disgusted with the views they ever so subtly show every episode, I keep coming back for more each week.  I can't stop myself.  So I guess this is just me hating myself.  Go ahead, Glee, say whatever ridiculous things you want, I should just be able to keep myself from watching.

Love:  You guessed it...GLEE.  Like I just said...I can't get enough.  Even though I know how dumb the show is in general, and how mad it's starting to make me, I must watch it every week.  Being a big musical fan like I said last post, this show is just right up my alley.  The only character that I like is Sue Sylvester and that's only because she's hilarious.  Other than her, I like the music and that is all.  It's actually amazing how all I need are those two things to keep me coming.

Hopefully one of these days my conscience will kick in and I will be able to have some self restraint, but as for right now, I'm a freaking gleek and I don't care who knows it.

<3,
theGrump  

Cold Hard Bitch

Hate: When people drink things of gross consistencies.  I'm not sure if there are any beverages I disapprove of because of their consistency.  Milk sort of, whole milk is just not ok in life.  The real problem comes with drinking things that are not meant as a beverage.  Yogurt and applesauce to be more specific.  Drinkable yogurt I guess is a beverage that I disapprove of the consistency, but in general it should have NEVER become a thing.  And then there were those people it was made for, people who already would drink normal yogurt.  Not ok even if there were no utensils left in the universe.  No spoon...No yogurt.  Applesauce is pretty gross just being applesauce, but jesus christ don't you dare drink it.  Same idea as with the yogurt.   I don't even like when people drink soup without the aide of a utensil, like soup in the thermos...DISgusting.

Love: Musicals.  It is all I can listen to right now.  Rent, Hairspray, Wicked, Avenue Q, Spring Awakening, Newsies, etc.  I don't know why I'm so obsessed right now, but I so am.  It's been like a week of straight musicals.  Actually right now I'm listening to Destiny's Child...so apparently that's ok, too.

Thou shalt say my name,
theGrump

Even Scientologists Know There's More to All of This

I noticed someone did this today and it made me mad.  And obviously it was a person that I already hate for numerous other reasons.

Hate: When people say "on accident" instead of "by accident."   "On accident" just sounds THE WORST to me, although typing it these two times has made me see that writing it may be the worst.  Since I've always just hated it without any grammatical reason, I decided to check on it in hopes that I could have some actual grounds for my hate for a change.  It seems like people THINK that younger people say the terrible way and older people say "by accident."  I resent that, bitches.  I don't want to be grouped with all these idiots that don't say by accident.  Other than that, I basically found that most people seem to think both are acceptable (although after reading this, you know that one of them is clearly not acceptable), but there are a few sources that say by accident is the right way.  So we're gonna agree with those guys.  BY ACCIDENT 4 LYFE!

Love:  Sky Mall.  It is the greatest magazine in existence.  I get legitimately excited about it when boarding a plane.  It has both hilarious stuff that cracks me up for hours as well as things that I cannot live without, like the giant cupcake cake pan.  Which I bought.  And made many AMAZING giant cupcake cakes.

Luv,
theGrump

What's That Writing on Your Everything?

Hate: Things that come in that plastic packaging that is RIDICULOUSLY hard to get open.  You know, like electronics and whatnot.  It is absolutely absurd.  I don't care if it makes it harder to steal things, I just spent money I probably didn't want to spend.  I do not want to be made a fool of by sitting there for hours trying to cut the damn thing out with scissors and getting sliced with sharp ass plastic edges.  This isn't even a controversial hate, I know that every single person who ever reads this is going to agree with me.  What the frack packaging companies?  I hate you.

Love: When you're really cold and you get into your warm bed.  Best feeling ever.  I usually make a noise to sum up my excitement...it goes like this "eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!"  Very high pitched.  Kind of like a dolphin.  So happy.

Love,
theGrump

Dance Until We Die

Hate: People who are obsessed with Apple products.  Calm yourselves.  I confess, I do have a Macbook, but only because the price was right (700 bucks because I got it on crazy sale at ghetto ass electronic store in Patterson, NJ).  When I was looking for a new computer after my old one (a PC that lasted over 5 years and the only problems I had with it were due to my chinchilla eating off important keys such as the control, alt, shift, and g keys.  It's actually still kickin' back at home, too), I kind of wanted to know what was up with the Mac hype.  The only solid answer I could get was that macs get less viruses than pcs.  Really?  How much porn are you watching that you are willing to pay twice as much money for a fucking laptop?  Even the difference between the macbook and the macbook pro is dumb.  The guy at the Apple store basically said that they're almost the same, just the pro looks cooler because it's made of different material.  In fact my roommate has a macbook pro and doesn't get as good wireless connection as me, I used to be able to steal our across the street neighbors internet and she couldn't.  I really just hate that most people have a Mac because it's a Mac, and not for any real reason, even if they pretend they have a better reason than wanting to look cool.  Laptops aside, ipads are dumb.  Ipods aren't the only good mp3 player, yet admittedly are very convenient.  Etc etc.  Everyone stop trying to be cool.  Being weird and nerdy is much better.

Love: Good pickles.  This does not include the sweet variety.  I said good pickles, not nasty sweet ones. They are so effing delicious, definitely one of those things where I don't understand how someone could dislike them.  When I was little, my neighbor and I would drink the pickle juice out of teacups for tea parties.  Yep.

LOVEEE,
theGrump

I'm a Soldier and a Poet, but I'm a Dancer at Best

Hate: Sketchers.  Why is there a company that sells only the most hideous shoes.  I feel that their whole goal as a shoe company should be to not sell shoes that are the worst.  SOMEONE who works on their little design team over there must realize how awful all the products are.  Maybe it's a conspiracy, they aren't the stupid ones, the consumers are, they're just having fun seeing how ugly of products they can actually make a profit on.  Wearing sketchers products is a dead giveaway of your terrible personality.  So if you suck, I realize you'll be drawn to sketchers, but please do yourself a favor and stay away.  Or do us all a favor and kill yourself.

Love: My slush mugs.  Greatest. Product. Ever.  They legitimately make any drink you put in them into a slushie.  YOU CAN HAVE AWESOME SLUSHIES ALL THE TIME!!  In fact, sketchers and slush mugs are literally the two poles in awesome products.  Sketchers being the very least awesome thing ever and slush mugs being the absolute 100% most awesome.  I know you want one.  Trust me, you want one.  Here's the link.  http://glacierware.com/

<3
theGrump

Tired and Uninspired

Hate: People who put toothpaste on their toothbrush before getting it wet.  I don't really know what else to say except that is not how you do it.  You must first put water on the toothbrush THEN the toothpaste.  If you don't, the toothpaste is more likely to fall off your toothbrush than if you put the water on first.  I don't know how other people have not discovered this after years of brushing their teeth approximately twice a day.  I'm actually curious if people who put the paste on first will read this and be like OHHH that's why my toothpaste keeps falling off my brushhhhhh.  And just the fact that I think it's wrong makes the people who do it make me angry.  I realize I have a lot of rules.  Suck it.

Love:  Sour Jelly Bellies.  In general, jelly beans suck, but sour Jelly Bellies are what is up.  Totally delicious.  Almost every time I'm in line at Marshall's, TJMaxx, etc (which is a lot) I buy a little pack because they are the ish and those stores always have them because they're awesome.

Peacee,
theGrump

Cruisin' for a Bruisin'

Hate: Mayonnaise, mustard and relish.  These are the WORST condiments.  It is just dumb that they are even a thing at all when such good condiments, like ketchup for example, exist.  I actually have never even tried relish, but my understanding is that it is made of sweet pickles...and there is hardly a worse taste in the world than sweet pickles.  Why would they make a spread made of sweet pickles?  I'll tell you why, they are trying to disguise them because they know that given the choice between sliced dill pickles and sweet pickles for a sandwich, or anything else ever, everyone (or at least everyone who doesn't deserve a horrible death) would choose dill.  Mustard, besides being one of the worst smelling things on the planet, is an all around abomination.  Who would ever choose mustard when they could have ketchup?  Preposterous.  And don't even get me started on mayonnaise.  First of all, it's made of oil and egg yolks.  You're really going to eat that?  Then there is the consistency, which we all know is a huge thing for me.  It is the basis for all of my hates of consistencies.  It is like a combination of a gel and, I don't even know, I don't want to talk about it.  The consistency in combination with the squelching sound it makes when you get it out of the jar (do not even TALK to me about squeeze mayo) makes me want to BARF.

Love: This video.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-vtIljTDcA&feature=player_embedded

LOVE,
theGrump