Hate: Americanos. I didn't even know what an americano was until I moved to Seattle, and I kind of hate that I know what it is now. Contrary to what you may think, it is not spanish for an American, it is a kind of coffee, well I guess espresso, but I don't really want to get technical and this is already a run on sentence. From what I have gathered in my lifetime, Seattle is supposed to be like the epicenter of coffee, I guess it's really just the birthplace of Starbucks, but I don't know, they like their coffee here. Sidenote: Seattlites hate Starbucks. Other sidenote: all of the coffee places on my street except the stealthbucks recently turned Starbucks fucking suck balls so it fucking annoys me that everyone hates it because it's Starbucks. There are tons of coffee places and people are so snobby about their coffee it makes me want to vomit all over their life. I don't give two shits about coffee, it sucks. It is bitter and not tasty and the caffeine doesn't even affect me thanks to my mom letting me drink all the Surge I wanted as a child. Occasionally, for whatever reason, I like to have some (more like hot sugar and milk, but you get it), and more than occasionally when it's warm, I like to have some iced coffee. Preferably Dunkin Donuts iced coffee, but there are no Dunkin Donuts in this godforsaken place. ANYWAY, when I'm out and about in Seattle and I want my iced coffee...no one has drip coffee. What. The. Fuck. This is fucking Seattle, how can you not have drip coffee? THEN, they have the audacity to be like, "is an americano ok?" When I first got here, having no idea what an americano was, I was like ok whatever, how different could it be? ROOKIE MISTAKE! AMERICANOS ARE THE WORST!!!! I did it a few times before I gave up and was like fuck this non-Dunkin shit, what the hell is an americano and why did this person think it would be any kind of replacement for my fucking iced coffee?? It is infuriating. Now when I ask for an iced coffee and they ask me that ridiculous question, I say, "no, it is not ok" and walk out. Because an americano is absolutely not ok. This hate grew from americanos to include the entire coffee culture of Seattle, and I'm ok with it. I pretty much love it.
Love: The last love made me remember one of my all time favorite Seinfeld moments because it too involves bananas. In the episode of Seinfeld, when Elaine is on the subway going to the lesbian wedding and everyone else is on the subway doing various things, Elaine's train is stopped for some reason. The car is super crowded and she's freaking out and the lights go off, you know, she's claustrophobic and people probably smell. Anyway, they have her speaking what she's thinking so you can hear, and at one point she thinks to herself, "Maybe the train will start going in 5 seconds...one banana, two banana, three banana..." I lost it. Probably one of the funniest Seinfeld, nay, TV moments of all time.
<3
theGrump
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