A Little Bit of Gold and a Pager

Hate: Hugging.  I am not a big toucher.  I have a bubble people, get the shit out of it.  Hugs are always the worst because they are always SO awkward, although there can be many different reasons for this.  First things first, I do not like to be touched.  Hugging involves lots of touching.  Don't like.  Second point of hatred, I probably don't like you all that much.  You know what's worse than being touched?  Being touched by someone I don't like.  This is the more awkward hug because clearly the person hugging me (note: hugging me, since I do not want to be involved) has lower standards of hugworthiness than I do.  They probably like me more than I like them and therefore think the hug is appropriate, I on the other hand am dying on the inside.  Not ok.  Moving on to one armed hugs.  THE WORST.  If the situation does not call for at least a two armed hug, LEAVE IT.  High five (my preferred alternative), do a pound/explode, shake hands, ANYTHING to avoid the one armed hug.  It is never appropriate in any situation.  Don't you dare one arm hug me.  The last thing I have to say about hugs is that they are NOT an appropriate hello/goodbye just any ol' time.  If you are hanging out with a bunch of people that you see even semi regularly, you do not need to hug them all when you see them or when you leave.  A collective HI! and BYE! will do.  You are taking too long in your salutations and there is NO NEED for the touching.  There are a select few who I am ok with hugging, even enjoy the hug.  They know who they are.  No, not you.  And now I'll finish off with some wise words from Arrested Development...No touching.

Love: This commercial for Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvHj0vovQHI

You're all awesome,
theGrump

I am Cannibal

Oopss, I am the worst.

Hate: When there are multiple people in a car and no one is sitting in the front passenger seat.  Who do you think you are back there in the back, the driver is not your fucking chauffeur (well I guess it's possible, but I doubt it).  WHY wouldn't someone take the front seat if it is open?  Did all of those times fighting for shotgun as a child mean nothing to you?  Where is your passion??  There is a very specific way to load into a car, the last person that will get out of the car sits in the front.  And if for some reason this doesn't happen upon getting in the car, when the person in the front gets out, someone from the back needs to move up to fill in the spot.  This is just what you do.  And if no one is getting out before anyone else, then there needs to be at least a minor scuffle for the front because CLEARLY it is the choice seat.  I do not see where the confusion comes in.  It is stupid to not have anyone sitting in the front when they could.  You can't hear each other or see each other and therefore can't talk to each other.  It is ridiculous and stupid and I HATE you.

Love: Hilarious license plates.  I normally hate vanity plates, but if you are not a worthless person, you might be capable of making one that is funny.  Some of my all time favorites "cheeto" on a bright orange corvette, "krly fry," and "ninja" on what was clearly a ninja's car.

Love,
theGrump

Biggie Smalls is the Illest

Hate: American Apparel ads.  You know how many strangers I want to unexpectedly see naked today?  None.  You sell clothes, by the way.  I would appreciate it if you would put them on some of your models instead of having them spread eagle in a brightly colored thong.  Especially because your models aren't even hot, yes it matters because I'm American and programmed to hate ugly people.  It isn't sexy, that does not make me want to buy the thong.  It first shocks me because I was not expecting to see so much lady ass while browsing textsfromlastnight.com, and then pisses me off because I realize it's YOU, the CLOTHING STORE.  What is the point in having a (n ugly) model wearing JUST tights.  In what scenario would this be a good selling point?  It's not even geared towards strippers...hookers, maybe?  When your ads stop being aimed at those who sell their bodies for sex, I might stop hating you so much.  PS I HATE your unisex clothing schtick.  You are not cool or alternative.  Go die.

Love: Rice Krispie Treat cereal.  Without question the best cereal ever made.  The fact that it has stopped being produced (I think, if you EVER SEE IT ANYWHERE you need to tell me) is a fucking crime.  I have a serious bone to pick with whatever idiot pulled that plug.

Godly.  Also I love how someone kept this box, I wish that person was me.

LOVE,

theGrump

This is My Favorite Show Because it is My Show

Hate:  People who think double dipping is disgusting.  Calm yourselves.  It is not that serious.  This kind of is a part of hating germaphobes, but I feel it causes me too much anger to just group with that.  What may be worse is when people try to describe it as licking the chip or carrot or whatever it is and dipping it again or something along those lines.  It is not like that at all you douche, unless you eat in some disgusting manner and lick the salsa off your tortilla chip before eating the chip itself.  And if you do, I want to be the one to personally ban you  from any food that needs to be dipped.  Since I have such a vast and undying hatred of spit, I feel that I am the expert on the subject of what is and is not disgusting involving spit and have the right to do so.  The next person to speak badly about double dipping in my presence is going to get a face full of french onion dip.

Love: Bundling.  It's super cold and snowing right now, so I thought I'd let you know how much I love to bundle.  If I'm going out to brave the cold I don't even mind because I can't wait to go out there and still be warm.  Maybe it's a learned thing from the days when you would bundle to go out sledding or when we could go jump on my trampoline when it was snowing, but I get super excited.  And if I'm staying in, it is the BEST to get under a warm blanket with a hot beverage of sorts.  I am LOVING the bundle right now.  And I'm about to read some Harry Potter.  Harry and Ron are about to go into the chamber of secrets.

<3
theGrump

Eat, Sleep, Repeat

I'm in a pretty fantastic mood, but we'll try this anyway, I'll do an easy one that doesn't take much explanation.

Hate: Dora the Explorer.  She fucking sucks.  That show is terrrrrrible, and I'm a huge fan of children's TV.  Her voice is annoying and her excursions are totally stupid and I hate all the dumb little creatures they come across, including the map and backpack and Swiper.  Hate.  Them.  All.  Your children need to be watching quality television like Yo Gabba Gabba.

Love: ALLCAPS and Ghettobirds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Another love you don't understand, but as I've said many times before, your life is worse than mine.  Sorry.

Love,
theGrump

Don't Do Sadness, Just Don't Care

Hate: People whom (not sure I've ever used whom before, my computer tells me this is the appropriate time to do so, though), when it's like 2:57, channel surf for shows that end at 3.  THOSE SHOWS ARE OVER!!  If you insist on being such an idiot, do so on your own time because I would like to see the shows that are not fucking finished.  WHY would someone want to see the shows they are missing instead of the ones they could watch from the beginning??  My guess they do not want to do that, and are just being stupid, but it's not like the fucking TV guide channel or scanning for shows are THAT hard to understand.  In fact, they are RIDICULOUSLY EASY to understand for a reason...people like you, and yet you are STILL DOING IT WRONG and your stupidity is fucking pissing me off.  You need to plan ahead 3 fucking minutes and see what is on next.  Jesus.  Christ.

Love: Organizing.  Cleanliness not necessarily, but organization, yes.   I love making lists and color coding and fitting things perfectly.  It makes me happy.

LOVE,
theGrump

How Gangsta is That?

Hate: Licorice and licorice flavored things.  Also the way licorice is spelled, which I didn't realize until this hate.  I might have to definitively say it is THE worst flavor.  All of the others I have discussed are truly awful, but I'm going to go ahead and say licorice is actually the worst.  It's up there with the worst thing ever, not just flavor.  HOW could someone eat that and be like, "oh yes, this does not make me want to shave my taste buds off."  In all honesty, if I eat something licorice flavored by accident (because it would never EVER be on purpose) I probably could vomit if I gave in to my instincts.  Isn't that what people do when they eat like poison or something?  Therefore, licorice is on the same level as fucking poison.  What's even worse is that it's considered candy.  What the fuck is that?  That shit is not candy. Who was in charge of this decision?  That is completely insane.  Stop being such a disgusting idiot and eat some real candy.

Love: My friend Jamie's life.  You don't know Jamie, and probably don't love her life as much as me, but trust me, she lives in a sitcom.  She only gets infomercial presents from people for some reason, she had a door to door job for a nonprofit organization where each outing could have been filmed for her TV show, and now she lives in China where the hilarity has surpassed that of a normal human life.  I know 99% of the people who read this have no clue what I'm talking about, but let's just say your life is worse for it.

<3
theGrump